Being yourself

Standing up for yourself — saying and doing what you want to say and do is being yourself, and the most difficult thing to do. While we all dream of doing this, we are at most times unable to do it. This is mainly because we are not sure who we are and whether what we are saying and doing is the right thing to do. Usually the little voice in your head keeps telling you what you are doing is right or is wrong and what you are saying is right or is wrong. Our subconscious always knows what is right and what is wrong. Listening to our subconscious is the first step towards accepting who we are. This forms our beliefs.

Once we accept who we are, or accept our beliefs, we have to overcome shame, guilt, judgment, and fear to let people know who we are and what we stand for. We feel shame when our beliefs are in contradiction to the generally accepted beliefs of the society or people around us — friends and family. For example if you file for divorce in India it’s a matter of great shame. People around you are not going to not leave an opportunity when they will not let you know this. You will have to overcome this. There is no shame in saying and doing things that we think are right. You will just have to live with the hate people are going to throw at you, that’s the price you have to pay for being yourself.

We feel guilt when what we are doing or what we are saying is likely to hurt other people, they may feel sad, they may feel angered, their life may even turn upside down based on what you say or do. Overcoming guilt is very difficult. Guilt can cause us anxiety, sleeplessness and even trauma. On the other hand, not following our beliefs can do the same to you. It’s a tough choice, either way you will have sleeplessness and anxiety. What are we supposed to do then? Make a choice about what is important: my own feelings or feelings of others. If you think that the other person is strong enough to weather your words or your actions, act on your beliefs, and if not keep quiet and not do anything. However, be mindful, it is very difficult to assess whether the other person is showing weakness when they are not actually weak, just to make you do things which you don’t want to do. This is blackmail. If you can sense that the other person is lying about facts or about their own feelings, go ahead and say and do things which you want to say or do. It’s a better sleep if you follow your own beliefs. For example if you are cheating on your partner — because well you want to and it makes you happy (there is no right or wrong in this life), you should not feel any guilt because this is what makes you happy, this is who you are. You run the risk of one of them, or both of them or all of them finding out, but then you can always find many more partners. Of course you run the risk of losing all of them at the same time, but that’s the risk you should be willing to take.

If your belief system clashes with the generally established beliefs of the society of our time, there will be judgment. There is no escaping that. If you wear short clothes, date someone not from your demographic, leave your parents etc. etc., there will be judgment. However this judgment from society does not take into consideration your situation, your feelings, your emotions or your needs. If you really want to be happy, stick to your own feelings and let other people figure out how they want to handle their feelings. No matter what you do, people will judge you. If you don’t want to be judged, don’t do anything, don’t say anything and essentially be nothing. But then that is a sad existence.

Last reason why we are not able to be ourselves is fear — fear that we will lose. Fear that we will lose our job, lose money, lose our contract, lose our partner, lose friends, lose our lifestyle, lose our relationship with our parents. Fear is the most difficult thing to overcome. Fear is the chain that keeps us with cheaters, in a bad job, in a bad business relationship, tied to an abusive partner, forever poor etc. How to overcome fear to be yourself? Think about the worst thing that could happen to you, even when you don’t stand up for yourself, and then assess if you can survive the worst in life. You will be surprised what you can survive.

Strangely the worst thing that I could not even think of would happen to me in my life — happened. This is what happened to me even when I didn’t even stand up for myself — I lost all my money, I left my home, my relationship with my partner turned mega toxic, I was beaten up on the streets, I had no job, I had no source of income, I even had no hope. These are some things which I had never prepared for. I was born in a well to do family, was educated in a top school of India, studied at top engineering college, worked at best tech companies, always had more than I could spend and everyone I met loved me, customers loved me, my wife loved me, my partner never tired of telling me how much she loved me. Yet all these things happened. Things that I could not even think of happening to me happened. Nothing in my life had prepared me for this. Nothing. I was lonely, broke and deeply sad. Yet strangely I survived and not only did I survive, I thrived. I discovered my beliefs, discovered my purpose and even met an amazing person who changed my life and became my lifelong friend, confidant and mentor. And the more I started standing up for my beliefs the more people started accommodating me, my parents stopped pestering me, people were kind and polite, I got out of a toxic relationship, everyone made way for me. They all knew this man cannot be broken so stop messing with him. I really had nothing left to lose, I had lost everything. Once you have overcome all your fears, nobody and nothing can break you.

Be yourself, say and do things that you want to do. You are stronger and braver than you think you are, you will survive and thrive. No matter what happens, the sun will still rise, the birds will still sing, water will still be sweet, you will meet strangers who will be kind to you, there will always be free food available somewhere, and if you are happy and unburdened, the pavement will still get your better sleep than the softest of the mattress. Always remember at night you have to sleep with yourself, even when someone is lying next to you. You have one life don’t spend it living it for others. Be yourself always.